Sunday, December 30, 2012

Lackey time

Working New Year's Eve! Envy me, mofos.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I have hurt my bottom. Or the top of my thigh/left buttock, if you will. That'll teach me to stretch.

Monday, November 5, 2012

cups running over

Melbourne Cup day = openly drinking at the desk as the boss walks by.

Did not win office sweepstake. Did eat cupcakes.

Sydney has also given me my first sunburn of summer. In the cleavage again. I swear I lovingly rubbed sunblock on that body part. So lovingly. But alas, I'm now painfully rubbing aloe all over it instead. It's hot in a bad way.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Extreme excitement on the streets of Sydney. Topshop is here! People queued overnight! OMG we can be fashionable!

Given that Ratty and I are exceedingly hip and with it (why, I have flowered trousers) we set off to investigate all four floors of garment heaven. Things I realised quite quickly:

I am not hip and with it
I hate crowds
Shorts that zip up the back do something very odd to one's bottom
Topshop knickers are excellent

It was an exhausting morning and I had to come home and collapse on my bed with a block of chocolate that is now only half the block it used to be.

Also recently arrived in Sydney is summer. 32 degrees on Friday, that slumped to 20 today. Is really very irksome because no matter how warm it is outside, the aircon at work is set to Siberia.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Any port in a storm

Or rather, there's port in a bus stop in Auckland. I know this because I left it there. While waiting for the airport bus. So instead of my dad getting port last night, he got a story about a bottle of port and the no doubt deserving person who will find it. So together we feel charitable. And I don't feel stupid. Not at all.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

A sadder shade of lovely

I went out last night wearing my new jacket which I love most dearly (and not just because it was on sale for only a quarter of the original price) because it's a spiffy shade of lovely. Ran into an ex beau who looked at me and said, 'That's an old lady jacket'.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Boldly going somewhere slowly

Yes, it's that time of year again. Time for me to cook something slightly stupid because I'm a stubborn pony. Tonight we shall eventually be tucking into the no meat, no pasta lasagne! I know - fucking delicious is what you're thinking and I'm sure you'll be right. I'll let you know in about another 17 hours because it's taking ages to cook and I started late as well because I was held up at work - actually working.  God, it was terrible.

The mothership came and went. She made me cups of tea and convinced me to purchase a $22 teacup and saucer. It's awfully pretty. Not even slightly sensible. So a great deal like me. But then we tired of her and sent her home. Just in time to encounter that volcano nonsense - only screwed with her flight a little bit.

I managed to complete dry July - feel free to buy me drinks by way of congratulations. Did I lose weight? No. Did chocolate consumption go up? Yes. What about cheese? Through the roof. Did I have the most beastly period of the year? Yes. What does this prove? Booze helps with the bleeding.

Morgan also came through Sydney for at least five hours. Jetsetters - hmmph. She was in time to help me have my first drink in a month. After two I had to go home and have a two-hour nap. Will have to work on tolerance. Have rolled up my sleeves already. Join me! It's the good fight.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Whale tail

I saw a whale's tail. Not the top of a g-string poking out the back of a slapper's low-riding jeans - an actual whale tail in Sydney harbour. First real whale tail! Didn't see the rest of the whale, it was refusing to show us everything, the big flirt. The coastguard blocked it off so stupid people couldn't sail their boaties over it, as stupid boatie people like to do - they are also very fond of sailing directly in the ferry's path.

So, whales are big. Quite big. Bigger than Tim, even.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Extreme hurtification

So dry July. So far I've had a lot of headaches. And so much pizza. Almost my entire quiz team is sober, which means we all get bored a great deal more quickly. Is quiz only bearable with booze? Can't be true.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Word up

The wind has picked up, due in no small part to me eating vegan for a week.

I've just been hassled by Australians for calling my jandals 'jandals'. Apparently this is weird. This statement comes from people who eat jaffles. I think that's all we need to know.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Sick but cool like Fonzie

So jet lag, the flu and hayfever do not mix.

But Flossie came to visit and now thanks to her I've been doing a few lines of Whittaker's most mornings. In return, I got her soaked through on a short stroll round Mantown, took her to a birthday party and then made her leave because I was shattered by 9.30.

Yes, I agree. I am cool.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Ich bin ein jelly donut

Berlin and Jessa's birthday. So of course I turned up late (thanks Easyjet) and made her drink a fair bit of wine so she would wake up hungover on her actual birthday. Because I'm an awesome friend. The kind of friend that turns up with Jim Beam in a fancy fucking tin - yes, that's right - classy bourbon. It does exist.

And my wisdom teeth are trying to announce themselves. Again. For the 17th year running. Am dulling the pain with what is actually probably quite an obscene amount of chocolate. Am not sure sugar is what my teeth actually need right now, but it makes me feel better even if it doesn't make wearing jeans so comfy.

Why does one city feel better than another? Berlin wastes Oudenaarde, even without the giant cockerels.

Friday, May 18, 2012

You know you're in Belgium when ...

you and your sister are lolling on couches watching Dawson's Creek.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Of cabbages and kings

There's a lot of cabbage and tea in Ireland. Have consumed a great deal of both. Have spent a lot of time in the bathroom as a consequence.

Monday, May 7, 2012

On cleanliness and champagne

I found my knickers! Such rejoycing and such a lot of laundry powder. Yes, that's right - they'd been stuffed in a side pocket in the large pack I took home for Christmas. Not the loveliest discovery but BUT I've got my knickers back.

This is probably of more interest to most people - I'm in London quaffing champagne. Because that's how I roll, mofos. Also. I have been to a GIG. That's how cool I am. Gigs - like the young and hip go to. Where we had to stand up even! I have also seen people from way back in my past but now they are here in my future and somewhere along the line they picked up kids and wives/partners or are discussing their weddings and all I can say is, 'Oh golly, more champagne you say, don't mind if I do'.

Being back in London is a little odd - like coming home but not really. I know where things are and how things work but still feel a little stupid and slow in trying to work things out. At least this time it's not going to take me 30 very angry minutes to find the sugar in the supermarket.

The London office is nice - large. Way large. I have been warned to only enter and exit the same way each day else be found weeks later in IT muttering, 'She said turn left by the stairwell, why can't I find the toilets?'

Best thing I have overheard so far - Germans asking what a gimp is. Those big jokers. Of course they know what a gimp is. They're German.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Knowing me knowing glue

The quiche dish is broken once again and I have superglue on four fingers and under my nails. But, and I think we'll all agree this is progress, there's no glue on the wooden worktop! No angry brother and landlord asking why it didn't occur to me to put paper down first.

And it's Anzac Day so there are drunks shouting joyfully in the street.

And there is cheese.

And cauliflower is cheaper than usual. Why is it always so pricey? It's caulifuckingflower. It's not cultivated by teenage virgin gardeners to ensure a purer taste and sharper crunch. And if it is, then they really need to advertise that better.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Things I note in passing

In today's online paper, a heading with 'Sydney's hottest pick-up spot', and then underneath, 'Sydneysiders reveal their favourite places to find love'.

Pick-up love! Oh, I always find it here.

That's not love, sweetheart.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Wanking with gusto

In my continuing efforts to be a total wanker, I nipped home for the weekend for luncheon with Hazel. And some other stuff, like dad's birthday and a side trip to Whangamata for a bloody mary but that's less interesting than being fed by one's editor, no?

Hazel, who knows such stuff, took me to Prego, where you can't book! Total wanker land. You just have to turn up bang on 12 and storm the castle. Which we did, after being witnesses to an old man hitting the accelerator in his car for no good reason and then crashing into a pole and narrowly missing a woman walking by. Auckland - something for everyone.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Knickers, knickers, knickers

Instead of moving we decided it would be much more fun to just swap rooms! Like wife swapping but without the reality tv show.

However, in the aftermath I have been startled and not a little horrifed to discover skullduggery! The knicker pixies have been hard at work and I am missing two, TWO pairs. I have, of course, rummaged through Nic and Kajal's panty drawers to see if they had hidden my precious, precious rompers in there but to no avail.

Am now concerned that Harriet and Arron took them as mementos when they moved out. Must get Nic and Kajal to check they have all their undergarments and are not lacking special items.

Seriously, they were good knickers. Comfy, pretty and I like to think I cut quite the fine figure in them when prancing round the apartment when no one else is home.

It is most distressing.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Captain Sniffles and the Peel.

So, if you get asked on a date I would thoroughly recommend not getting incredibly sunburnt the weekend before ... on your face.

And now the hayfever has kicked in, right as the peeling really picks up a notch.

Sad face.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Chair dancing

Mucho excitemento last night. Icehouse opened for Hall and Oates. Ratty, Alex and I bought tickets months ago, such is our enthusiasm for those who sing our childhood anthems.
We weren't the youngest there, but we were certainly close to it. Ratty and I indulged in some quite serious chair dancing while Alex sat staunchly enjoying the music.
And then it took us a while to get home.
A few days before this I attended Mary's baby shower. I have never before attended such an event and I shall have to admit to some trepidation due to horror stories I have heard of games revolving around poo. Poo and chocolate.
Fortunately, Mary is a lady and so is her sister-in-law. We played nice games and they made what might be described as a fuckload of food. I wallowed. Waddled home.
And ending my week of social was Karen and our day of culture. Picasso and some photo exhibition. Slightly dulling our attempt to be classy and educated were our hangovers and snorts of laughter as we tried to find the man in the Cubist 'Man with mandolin' picture. I found a cityscape that I'm guessing was masquerading as a man with a mandolin. Aside from that, Picasso ain't half bad, man.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Failing beautifully

I recently tried to repel someone by telling them my bursary stats mark. Which got me thinking about failures, because 16%, scaled up to 36% is a quite spectacular failure and one I am quite proud of.

A failure I am not proud of involved today's luncheon - I went out with my workmate to purchase $11 salads and then walk for another 10 minutes so we could sniff the candles in Myer, for we are corporate bitches and that's what we do. While standing in Myer purchasing stuff, the bottom of the paper bag holding my container of pricey and delicious salad ripped and my pricey and delicious salad fell to the floor. Now I have no doubt that Myer has very clean floors but my mother did not raise me to eat smoked salmon off tiles so I had to sort of smush it all back into the remains of the bag, give the oily mess to a sales assistant and then go back to the salad shop and buy another one.

Which makes this a $22 salad and while it's good - it's not that good. Needs capers.