Saturday, August 29, 2009

Not the dominant female

It really, really disappoints me to discover that despite being the oldest, the biggest and the tallest woman in my flat, I do not have the dominant vagina. Melissa moved in and my periods went walkabout - apparently her body won the lady bits' wrestling match and I am doomed to follow her. And then Jani moved in and it started all over again. The only time I think I have forced all my female flatmates to dance to my tune was when I was on the pill - and I'm fairly sure I apologised.

This means that I have stormed into the living room in the past and scared poor wee Melissa by pointing an accusing finger at her and demanded 'When is your period due?' I have no doubt that she wondered what kind of flat she'd moved into. Now she just giggles. She knows she has the power.

It's Sunday and the storm just hit. Up here in the Eagle's Nest that is my home in Roseneath we have a perfect view of the rain and wind-battered harbour. Leaving the house today seems like a suicide mission. So I won't be doing it. Instead, I think I have been possessed by demons because after a breakfast of the chocolate fish variety, I cleaned the kitchen. The bathroom is next. Lamb casserole is in the oven and the bananas will be soon be sacrificed in favour of cake. And then the vacuuming. I know, I know, I don't sound well, at all. Last night I was in bed, sober, by 10.30pm. Another raging Saturday night for Lady Penelope. I had, though, just watched five hours of True Blood. It has been suggested that this cannot possibly be as good as BSG. This is rubbish. Don't make me choose between them. I can't do it. They are equally marvellous and shiny. I watch them with different people. With BSG, Oren, Duncan and I mutter 'Frack me'; with True Blood, Morgan and I discuss how Vampire Bill might just be the perfect man. Of course, he's imaginary, which helps immeasurably.

I'm still destroying people's lives on behalf of the man - this brings me no joy but I've started a candy kitty and convinced young Colin to go on the jetplane run - basically I have become a workplace bully who must be kept sweet literally.

Andrew, Morgan and I went to see Morgan's pa perform some of Shakespeare's greatest hits. He was awfully good, but the synopsis provided had us in mild hysteria. Macbeth's started with 'The Macbeths are ...' This was all it took. Who ever describes them as the Macbeths? They sound like the couple next door you never want to ask over for dinner - 'Oh, no, not the Macbeths, he's okay but she's always bitching about something ...'

Friday night was whisky and fondue with the Christchurch posse, plus a few others. This was magnificent - particularly when it was discovered that Will owns a fearsomely large banana.

I might have a nap now. Because it's Sunday, the house is mostly clean and I've hung out my washing - literally, not metaphorically.


Ben said...

This was informative.

Penelope said...

Apparently there is some study that says you make more money as a stripper when you're ovulating - men pick up on it and some part of them thinks 'ooer, she'd be useful in the baby game' and they stuff her knickers full of cash. Of course, they do not know this is what they are doing. They just think they are giving a stripper cash because she is hot.

will said...

Breaking news. The male equivalent of a cougar is the "manther".

Mark said...

@Pen: Cause all strippers are hawt
@Will: Must. get. t-shirt.

Luther said...

I remember sitting in the Commerce building cafe with Des and Ange in like, 1998(?) while they had this discussion and going "Woah, I did not know that, how crazy / interesting."

Also, what woman find hot / look for in a guy changes dramatically throughout the course of their cycle, which explains all sorts of madness.

Also, boys are best.

Nat said...

Is this like the male equivalent of a pissing contest but played out over many months and with a game show conclusion?

"You are the weakest vagina. Goodbye"

Penelope said...

I have a new flatmate. I will form an alliance with her and together we will totally take out Melissa.

Nat said...

So not the weakest link then.

More like "Survivor: Vagina"

Penelope said...

I know you'd watch that programme, Nathaniel.